Acceptance

Sometimes acceptance is one of the hardest things to do in life, fighting and struggling. However learning to accept can bring you the most inner peace. We fight with acceptance. Imagine a jigsaw puzzle, you are trying to put a piece into the wrong place on a jigsaw puzzle, so determined but not trying another piece, this is frustrating and irritating which causes you to want to give up. But as you begin to realise and try another piece you begin to accept this and the pieces begin to fit. Just like in life, as you learn to accept things they become easier and clearer to handle. Learn self acceptance to enable an easier and clearer life.

Stop the Bullies!

How can it be that time goes so quick? I remember my mum saying to me when I was little, You wait until you go to work the time flies by, Your school days are your best times of your life. For most kid’s this is true, that is unless you are being bullied. She didn’t know that bit though, like most victim’s of bullying I kept it hidden. So listening to her say it’s the best time of your life always felt like a lie.

But that wasn’t her fault to be fair. Everyday going to school and thinking how will today be, will it be a good day or will it be a normal day.

Normal sounds ok hey, but how many of you spent your times locked in a toilet hidden away from the bullies. If only I had of spoken up. I had a lovely supportive teacher so why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I say how I felt?

Now I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me or to get support, I am telling you this to help stop bullying. To say if you notice signs in your children it could be bullying and if you think ‘should I say something’ as a parent or a teacher the answer is yes, a huge YES! Bullying sticks!

Whether you are the bully or the bullied! If your the school bully and you are not challenged or punished, you may go on to be a work bully in your adult life. Remember it’s your choice.

Being bullied can cause an impact later on in life and affect self esteem and confidence which can cause issues in relationships and work.

If my teacher had noticed that I spent a lot of my lunch times in the toilets or alone could it have changed anything? Would it have caused more issues or helped me? I don’t know but having somebody to listen to me, having somebody to talk to and to share my worry would have been a start! This may have reduced the feeling of self hate, the drastic feelings running through my head which were caused by not being able to take one more day. But thankfully I found somebody to support me in time! It only took one person to notice. This stopped the bullying there and then for me. Howevee I didn’t know about counselling or talking, working through the problems it had caused, the impact of the issues until I had counselling later on in life and realised the bullying in school sticks to you like glue.

That emotional trauma set me up to fail with a boss who I should have spoken out to, a partner and also friendships not to mention other issues. But after counselling my self-awareness, self belief and my confidence grew. Don’t be a victim of the bullies all of your life, you can take control. Speak out. If it’s happening now or in childhood, speak out. Stop the Bullies. Don’t let bullies win!

As national bullying week draws to a close we need to stand up to bullies within the school, home and in the work place. Bullying is not acceptable. Thank you for reading.

Our forgotten children.

After reading a report in the ITV news today I was saddened yet not surprised by it’s contents with regards to children’s mental health services.

This report highlights how children are being forgotten, cast away and rejected by the mental health service.

Between the years of 2015 – 2017 the report stated that out of 652,023 cases which were reported to CAMHS, a massive 109,613 were turned away. That’s an average of 150 children each day who are rejected by the mental health service. Yes we can argue that some were misdiagnosed or wrongly referred, however how many were not? How many were given the much needed follow up session, how many do not even make it to the first assessment?

These children, our future adults, may already feel rejected, suicidal and presenting signs of self- harm by the issues that they are living with. So to be rejected and turned down from the support that they need is extremely sad and worrying. Is this because they are not opening up within their first session, because they are not at risk or that they are not extreme enough?

Sadly it seems that there is also a postcode lottery with regards to the appointment system, some areas seeing patients within 2 days, whilst other areas taking 5-6 months. The average waiting time is said to be 8 weeks to have the initial assessment however if you are in trauma and at risk of suicide is 8 weeks too late to find somebody who will actually give you sufficient time to talk, somebody to really listen?

Sadly not all parents can afford private counselling, and not every school offer a qualified counsellor working within a counselling service. Some schools will only provide a T.A or a mentor who have no experience or training in counselling children and young people. As counsellors we attend college or university to get the required qualification, attend supervision and continue development.

The feelings and emotions that come with rejection at any age can bring a negative reaction, so why are our children being let down? Should a child be feeling rejected, let down and as though they have nobody to turn to?

Our children and young people need to be supported and listened to, not ignored or rejected.

Pushing the ugly buttons in life.

Yesterday was my ironing day, for me its a job I actually don’t mind. I generally watch a film to help me get through the pile and yesterday I chose a Christmas one.

Why do I need to write about ironing. Well I always find it hugely therapeutic, as I watch the creases just disappear. If only our creases in life would vanish so easily.

Then as I was ironing and watching the film, a statement in the film struck me. ‘Life is life, it isn’t ugly, it isn’t pretty, it just is. So what is ugly? People, what is good? People. It’s your choice to make your mind up, whether you add to the Ugly or to the Joy in this world.’

This really made me think about our choices, about choosing to be positive or negative. How easy it is to let the negatives filter into our day, to affect our mood.

Why do negatives cause us so many mixed emotions? Why are Negatives so heavy on us that they outweigh the positive emotions.

We are in charge of these thinking patterns so why dont we just change our thinking to happiness and joy.

Being negative is draining, exhausting and has huge impacts on our lives and the people around us. It heightens our emotions, so if struggling with low moods being negative may increase this low mood, impacting on your life. The negatives get bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. These emotions will eventually outweigh the positives and you feel swamped. So try to be positive, flip that negative thought or feeling into a positive and see how you feel and also how others react to you, I am sure you will see a difference.

Remember negativity breeds negativity whereas positivity attracts positivity. Take a small step to make a change.

Have a good day.

Counsellors in counselling, Is that ok?

Why not? As counsellors, we are expected to have around 30+ hours of personal therapy whilst in their training, this is to support our emotional journey.

Trainees may experience emotions which have been burried away or never been dealt with in the past. I know as a trainee I came across a few emotional skeletons in my closet within the process groups. Without personal therapy I would not have progressed through the emotional roller-coaster ride in the training world so well. The emotions could have become future triggers in my client counselling room if I had not taken the time to process them in therapy.

These triggers and emotions do need to be successfully worked through to ensure personal growth, change and closure.

Seeking counselling as a trainee allows us to experience the importance of counselling. The importance of a safe space to talk, to trust and to grow.

So why is it any different for a qualified counsellor to seek counselling, if we have a problem we still need to talk to somebody, to be open and to share. To ensure that this problem does not affect our work but also our life.

Like our clients, we have a past and a future with a here and now that often brings different and mixed emotions.

How would you feel if your counsellor was in counselling? Would this change how you saw your counsellor? Do counsellors need counselling?

Yes we do, its healthy, its a place to open up, to talk about ’emotional baggage’ in a confidential setting and a place to be heard. It also shows that we are working safely and are self-aware. I would, will and do go to counselling. I feel that it is important to share this so that people understand that life is hard sometimes but we can take control positively. I trust the system I work in and I believe in the system I work in.

We all have to handle and live with our thought and emotions. So as a counsellor I am still a real person, human and I have a life behind my counselling work which I am not afraid to disclose if it is acceptable and helpful to the client.

I hope this is helpful, this is written in the views of the author.

The ‘black dog’.

This post has been kindly written and sent to me to share with on my blog. Thank you for taking the time to share this. A post written by one, read by many, may help somebody.

Winston Churchill referred to his depression as his black dog, and there is the fantastic resource of “I had a black dog” https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1845295897/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1509315433&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=i+had+a+black+dog&dpPl=1&dpID=41824d0JHWL&ref=plSrch

This weekend I’ve been looking after a friends black Labrador, he is a lovely dog but so many times I’ve been reminded of my mental health by things he has done.

Last night at bedtime I locked up downstairs and went up to bed, on my bed curled up was the black lab. How many times does my depression stop me going to bed? The fear of lying awake for hours, of thinking, thinking, and overthinking. It’s easier sometimes not to go but stay on the sofa. On this occasion I had to evict the black lab from my bed and then had him sitting giving me the big black eyes to allow him up. I need to sometimes evict the “Black dog” when I need to go to bed and not let the anxiety stop me from getting the sleep I so desperately need.

This morning having got some sleep, I woke and couldn’t move my legs, panic set in, why could I not feel them, what had happened. I managed to half sit up and realised it was the black lab lying at the foot of the bed but due to his size it was more like half the bed! How many times do I wake up and feel like I’ve had no sleep, that there is a weight just wanting to keep me in bed, that to face the day is a step too far.

Breakfast time, normally the black lab devours his food in seconds but this morning he took his time and it looked like a struggle. We are always told breakfast is most important meal of the day, but how often am I like the black lab struggling to eat my cereal, waking feeling sick and anxious, having to eat is too much.

Came out the shower to find the black lab back on the bed asleep, how often do I want to crawl back into bed during the day, when the anxiety is too much, when something goes wrong, I just want my duvet and bed.

Going for a walk with a black lab is great, well usually, when he’s obedient, when he doesn’t pull on his lead and when he doesn’t stop every 10seconds to mark his territory. We went somewhere new this morning to walk, new places to me are filled with anxiety, worry, not knowing where I am and who I may meet. Not for this black lab, desperate to investigate, to sniff, and find food. On this occasion the black lab was not representing my depression…

Until he was pulling on the lead wanting me to go one way but I wanted to go another, how often does my anxiety tell me to do one thing, not to go out, not to answer the phone but my head is telling me I should go out, I should socialise. I found myself saying to the black lab “if you would stop pulling, you would be happier and so would I”- do I need to say this to myself, “you might not want to go out but if you do it’s an evening with people away from your thoughts and it might be fun”. I need to not let my anxiety and depression stop me doing what is beneficial to me.

The black lab and I spent the rest of the afternoon on the sofa, chilling, crafting and watching tv. Yes at times he was restless, insisted on his tea at 5pm, barked every time a car door shut but for the main we were relaxed. Sometimes I need to listen to my black dog and accept that rest and relaxation is what I need.

So has the weekend been hard work and stressful, no it actually hasn’t. I’ve enjoyed observing myself and the black lab and how many times I could reflect on my own experience with the black dog of depression and anxiety.

The day after no technology

So after a day of no technology how did you fair? Did you manage it?

Well we didn’t do too badly here, I must admit I was pushing it to expect number 3 son to last the whole day, he uses gadgets for sensory release. But I still decided with the extra hour, after a very busy week at work and school and with a busy week ahead of us, we would be enjoying our Sunday without technology.

So how did it go?

Well it was actually really lovely, we went for an adventure in the woods. We were crunching on leaves, watching the birds and enjoying each other’s conversations. Nobody had their heads in their phones, texting, snap- chatting or face booking. No we were just us, listening, talking and having fun!

Did this stop here? No! We enjoyed a lovely relaxing day going right back to basics. This included baking and crafts, chess and card games.

It was fun, peaceful and nice to put the gadgets away and enjoy the day off together.

Do we feel any difference from this day?

I do definately do, I feel relaxed, refreshed and enjoyed being out with my family. I had a wonderful calm and stressfree day. It is amazing just how much stress technology can cause for all ages.

Would we do it again? Well apparently yes, every Sunday we are going to have some time going back to basics.

I hope you enjoyed your weekend and you are ready for your week ahead.

Sunday turn everything off!

So it’s Sunday, what would it be like to Just turn your gadget off. Get out, go for a walk, look around, feel the air on your skin.

What would it be like to have some time to relax. Put your gadget down, stop! What are you missing? Look around, feel the air, listen. Just take in what is going on around you!

Why not just put your gadgets away for one day and see what happens for one day.

Will you talk, read, go outside, maybe do something artistic or crafty. Why not do some relaxation, be mindful and do some meditation. Have some time for YOU!

Do something different but put you gadgets away for the day. Take a day off and see what you are actually missing.

How much control do gadgets have over your life, how much of life are you missing?

Today my gadgets are going in a drawer and I am going to see the world. I will keep you posted. Have a good Sunday!

Therapists are human too!

Therapists come in all shapes and sizes, we are not all identical clones, we are human.

There are groups of therapists who share the same models of of counselling. But this is where the cloning stops, we are allowed to take on different training, skills and modalities. Yes there are the guidelines that we need to follow, the ethics and principles of our governing body. However when it comes to continued development I believe that there is no set rule to staying within a set guideline.

For instance I trained as an integrative counsellor so I continuously expand my model of counselling, increasing my skill set.

So who am I, I am Clare, I am the therapist, but I also have my own personality, my own history and my own life. These all impact my learning, my knowledge and my work.

I will not impact your sessions by bringing my emotional life into the room however it is important to remember that therapists are not cardboard cutouts, we are real. We have illnesses, we have a past and we have a here and now! We have had the training and are in regular supervision to know that we are self-aware. This means that when we are with our client we are there and present for the client.

Triggers in the counselling room can happen which is why it is important to be self-aware and in regular supervision. When you choose a therapist ensure that they are qualified, hold insurance and are a member of a governing body. This will help to ensure that the therapist is working safely and having regular supervision.

So does being ‘real’ help the client in the therapy room? Knowing that you have a therapist who is real and who you can trust?

This really has to be your choice, all therapists work differently. This is how I work in my therapy room with my clients, it may not suit one person it may suit another. However the way I work suits the clients that I see. You need to find the right therapist that works for you.

Hence why I offer a FREE initial consultation. I believe that it is essential to the client to take the time to meet me, visit my room and see how they really feel. It gives them time to go away and think about if I am the right therapist for them.

Self-care.

Hands up who takes timeout and doesn’t feel guilty doing it? No I don’t mean time out on the naughty step! I mean some chill out time, time to relax, yes that time for you! And I do not just mean once a year on the beach! Not many hey? No didn’t think so. In today’s fast paced world that we live in everything has to be done yesterday. Achievments are expected to meet the highest of standards, which puts so much pressure on everybody. So in today’s blog I wanted to take a monent to think about your self-care. What would it be like to really think about YOU!

Who amongst us are worrying too much about what other’s think. Whether you think others think you are overreacting, over eating or over working. Worried others may think you are off too much? Or do you worry others think you work too hard? Maybe your thinking, they think that your relaxing too much. Worn out yet? I bet!

So STOP! You know your body better than anybody else! It is your body and nobody else’s, nobody can tell you when to sleep, eat, work, rest, or repeat. However you do need a healthy balance with the above regime to have a healthy body and mind so keep that in mind.

So how do you take care of yourself? Lets take a moment to think about what is your self-care regime?

A self-care regime needs to involve things that you enjoy for you to commit, for you to enjoy and for you to want to do it. You may decide to incorporated an hour a day or one day a week. It is your plan to make you feel healthy. It could be yoga in the morning and meditation in the evening.

Remember this is for you, it is your choice to take positive control. It is your health and wellbeing not a task.

My self-care, as a counsellor is important not just for me but also for my clients. My love of walking is the perfect remedy to balance the time listening, talking and sitting in the therapy room. Being with my Beagle in the great outdoors allows me to breath in the fresh air. It is my self-care regime which gives me space to clear my thoughts, time to stretch my legs and a place to healthily unwind.

Would an hour talking to a negative friend who is giving me unhelpful advice be as helpful as timeout with my dog? For me that is a definate no. So be aware of your needs and what is right for you. It is ok to say I just need a little bit of me time. That is the first step in the right direction to learning about you.

Subconscious Healing

a person centred therapy service in South Leicestershire